By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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