so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
