now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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