Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
