new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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