I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
