no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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