so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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