I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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