hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
