took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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