Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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