I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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