mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
