Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
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