oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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