Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
