saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Who died my cat blue again?
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