Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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