woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
