Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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