I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
