I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
