Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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