i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
