I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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