if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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