You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
