If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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