yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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