I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Randomize
