All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
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