I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
