If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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