you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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