Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
