I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
