my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
