I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
