i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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