Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
