Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
