i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
