Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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