Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
