My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
