It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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