I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
