so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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