Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
