Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize