can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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