you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
