She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
