oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
