I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
