if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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