I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
