I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
This baby is an asshole
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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