I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
