white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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