he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
