My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
