in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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