my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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