Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
