Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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