He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
