I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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